Cross Country with a side of Billy

12 years... that's how long it's been since I don't post on here. Incredible how time flies. So much has happened since that I don't even know where to begin. I guess there will be time for that, if I can stick to writing on here more often, that is. 

For now, let's start with where I am today. 

Today, I'm in self-quarantine... again! Yes, once again I have the dreaded C virus. My immune system never disappoints. My husband and I took a weeklong road trip to Colorado from Florida. Lately my anxiety has gotten a bit out of control, but more on that later. However, that was the catalyst for the road trip. We had airline tickets to go to Colorado for the weekend, but as the flight got closer, my anxiety level rose. Add to that the hard time I had finding someone to take care of the boys (our 2 dogs) and the anxiety of leaving them behind in the wrong care, well, that had me rethinking the trip. 

The trip. I've been a life-long fan of Billy Joel and while big crowds are not my thing, I wanted to him in concert. Recently, I had read that this concert series would be his last and I was determined to go see him. Sold out shows at closer venues had me looking at all the states he had dates at as a consideration. When I stumbled upon the newly added dates and Denver was in there, I had an idea. One of my cousin's lives out in Colorado so maybe I could make it a dual intention trip; visit with my cousin and see Billy! I reached out to her and to my surprise she and her husband decided to join us at the concert. I was over the moon happy! There was no way I was cancelling this trip.

However, as the date approached and my anxiety kept spiking, I started to look for alternatives. My husband was suddenly on a low from work, so he had a little more time, less money, but more time. YOLO! Suddenly, while looking at our scheduled flight, it occurred to me... how far is Colorado from Florida? Can we drive? What if we take the boys with us? Am I nuts?  Apparently, the answer was yes to most of it. I ran the idea through my husband, and he was on board with the plan. It would take us 28 hours, nonstop, to get from our house to a wonderful AIRBNB I found near my cousin's house. 28 hours... non stop. Ever the planner, off I went to plan the route, our stops, the pet friendly hotels, and rent a minivan from a pet friendly company. With everything planned, reserved, and packed off we went. At 6am on a Tuesday we started our journey, traveling up to 14 hrs per day since we had to make several stops to let the boys go potty and us, too, and put gas. After 3 beautiful days we arrived in Parker, Colorado for our 3-night stay. The place we rented could only be described with 1 word... PERFECTION! It was on a exquisite property, at the top of a hill overlooking the valley, the mountains and even Denver in the distance. The house was a modern farmhouse and we got to see chickens, goats, and deer! Parker is a gorgeous city, with lots of up-and-coming businesses and housing. Denver, cool city, but too "big city" for me. The concert was, as my oldest nephew would say "FIRE!" Billy puts on a hell of a show! Truly had a wonderful experience. He played my favorite song from him, "Vienna", it was magical. My poor husband, however, while he had a good time, ended up getting altitud sickness. It was a long night after the concert with him not feeling well, ultimately throwing up and just feeling miserable. I felt horrible for him. 

On Sunday we started on our way back home. The trip back was a little more eventful as the weather started to deteriorate the further south we went. My anxiety was also climbing again since the day prior I was having trouble breathing, too, at the Red Rocks. We both were sneezing constantly, and I was starting to feel like I was getting sick. Health anxiety is another huge trigger for me. That and bad weather was a bad combination for my nerves. Somewhere in Alabama, I think, on Monday afternoon we ran into severe weather. The wave of nerves escalated to a panic attack and an anxiety attack, together. It was awful! So awful! I couldn't breathe, my mind was wild, I couldn't control my body and I just thought I was going to die. This was it, I felt it. In the distance I could hear my husband trying to soothe me and talk to me, but my brain could not follow logic nor commands. After what felt like an eternity, it subsided. Leaving me weak, tired and I felt paralyzed. My mouth and hands were numb, like usual, but my body was even more rigid than normal. My husband had pulled off the highway to wait the rain out and after a little while we started going again. Later that same day, we ran into yet another portion of bad weather, that while it wasn't as bad as the first, my nerves could not handle it anymore. Try as I might to control myself and nerves, I wasn't able to. I felt paralyzed again, but my face started twitching and moving involuntarily. Part of my face stayed frozen for quite some time. I could feel my husband's fear and hear it in his voice as he asked me for my name and what year it was. I was scared. He was scared. I'm still scared. Scared that I'm broken even more than I thought I was. Scared that something is so wrong in my head that I will cause him pain and heartache. He deserves someone better. 

Thankfully, the following day the weather cooperated for the most part. Whenever we did run into any bad patches, I covered my face and tried to breathe through it and I was able to stay calm-ish. I still felt like I was getting sick, a cold maybe. My nose was runny, and I kept sneezing. My body felt odd like when you're getting sick, and it feels off. I had a slight fever by the time we got home. After a shower and eating we went to bed. The next day I still felt sick, so just to be safe I took a home test. Sure enough, I was positive. Thankfully, and miraculously my husband was negative. Off to quarantine in our sitting room I went. Still, even though it had some challenging moments, I'm thankful we drove instead of flying. We got to spend a whole week together, with minimal online time, had some cool conversations, and the boys did amazingly on the road.  I was thankful to have them with us. They slept most of the time, but also enjoyed the road.

Today is day 3 of isolation and I'm nearly losing my mind. I've done this now several times, for different lengths of time, but this time feels different. I feel mostly ok, like a simple cold, but my legs and head hurt. My mind, however, is slowly falling apart. Probably coming off from such high-level episodes just a few days ago and now sitting here all day and night locked up in a room is not doing me any favors. I'm trying to keep busy working and crafting, but I feel like I'm free falling into a deep black hole of depression. 

That is what brough me here, today, after 12 years. Many decades ago, a therapist told me that I should write down my feelings and that if even not one single person read it, it would help. So here I am. Alone, in isolation, feeling sick, with anxiety, missing my husband and my boys, and slowly losing my mind... so I am writing. I hope this helps. I hope to write more. Maybe this is the way through it. I have hope.